


P.S. Burn After Reading

by electric016



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Banter, Epistolary, Established Relationship, M/M, flirting through the mail, letter writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29709795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electric016/pseuds/electric016
Summary: Dear Klaus,I noticed you were looking a bit bored last time we were all reading letters and thought you might like something to read for yourself. So I wrote you a letter and stuck it in the mail bag. Surprise!Hope you don’t mind. Wait a minute. You can read, right? I don't think we've ever discussed. If you can't, please write back immediately so I don't send you another.A variation on the prompt: Klaus and Dave write letters to each other, pretending they're each other's 'girl back home.'
Relationships: Klaus Hargreeves/David "Dave" Katz
Comments: 29
Kudos: 94
Collections: EnKlave Fest 2021





	P.S. Burn After Reading

**Author's Note:**

> Written for EnKlave Fest 2021.
> 
> I chose the prompt "Vietnam" initially, and then thought about doing something with letters, so I checked the full list and saw the prompt "Klaus and Dave write letters to each other, pretending they’re each other’s 'girl back home'." This is a variation on that prompt. Enjoy!
> 
> Special thanks to [Melivian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/melivian) for betaing!

Dear Klaus,

I noticed you were looking a bit bored last time we were all reading letters and thought you might like something to read for yourself. So I wrote you a letter and stuck it in the mail bag. Surprise!

Hope you don’t mind. Wait a minute. You can read, right? I don't think we've ever discussed. If you can't, please write back immediately so I don't send you another.

If anyone asks who sent this to you, tell them I’m your girl back home. Imagine I’m tall and blonde with long eyelashes, red lipstick, and perfectly coiffed hair. You could call me Davina. Or is that too obvious? Joanna? Jane? Pick your favorite.

Sorry I couldn’t include a picture—I’m not very photogenic, you see. It might be hard to get the guys to buy you’re dating a girl with my hairy legs. 

Actually, the guys might not believe you’ve got a girlfriend, even with the letter for proof. They’ll probably just think I’m your mom. Which I suppose is also a fine assumption. Better than the truth anyway.

See you in a few.

Best,  
Dave

P.S. Burn after reading.

🖂

Dearest Dave or Davina or Jane—haven’t decided yet. I’m still trying them out. I’ve always wanted to date a Belinda. But I don’t think you have the right chutzpah to be a Belinda.

Has anyone told you how sweet you are? How thoughtful you are? How absolutely atrocious your handwriting is? I mean seriously. Cursive? Dave, come on. I almost had to get Jensen to read your letter out loud to me, and then it would have been _me_ who was outed loudly. (That’s a very funny joke where I come from, by the way. If you don’t get it from context clues, I’ll explain it to you next time we’re down a foxhole together).

It’s funny you should say everyone will think you’re my Mom, because you’ve described her to a T. I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’m not supposed to be the brother with the Oedipus complex. 

The thought of your manly hairy legs in a dress, on the other hand? Now that’s an image I can get behind.

Anyway, your letter did indeed brighten my day—which is disgusting, all things considered. You are turning me into such a sap, David Katz. (Don’t tell the other guys. I don’t want my reputation as a macho manly hardass to be completely ruined). But I’ve had a surprisingly good time writing this. 

(And yes, I can indeed read and write, thank you very much. You’re lucky you’re pretty because otherwise I don’t know how you’d get away with being so rude).

Do write again soon. Xoxo

P.S. I burned mine, so I think you have to burn yours, too.

<3 Klaus

🖂

Dear Klaus,

I’m offended that you would even call my chutzpah into question. I’ve got a ton of chutzpah. Belinda wishes she had as much chutzpah as I do. 

I’m glad you enjoyed your letter though. You’ll notice I’m taking painstaking care to not connect my letters so you can read them unassisted. Do they not teach cursive where you come from? 

I think I get your joke, but you can explain it to me later anyway. It’ll give me something to look forward to next time we have some down time. 

Do I want to ask about the Oedipus complex thing? Your mom sounds lovely, though. Even if you did mention she can be a bit... robotic. I think it would be neat to have a mom like yours. Hey, I have a question about that. Do you think she’s better at cooking than the average person? Or is it something she struggles with since she can't taste?

I’m glad I can entertain. I’m told it’s one of my good qualities. I’m also glad that I have been entrusted with the secret knowledge that Klaus Hargreeves is in fact a huge sap. And the best part is I know exactly what to say to turn him to mush. Another one of my good qualities, I hear. 

(That and being pretty, apparently).

All the best,  
Dave

P.S. Haven’t you ever written a letter before? The ‘P.S.’ goes after your name.

P.P.S When I said burn after reading, I didn’t mean smoke it—please don’t smoke this one too. If you're out of papers, I have some.

  
  


🖂

  
  


Dearest Dave,

Darling, it’s not the quantity of your chutzpah, it’s the quality. As they say where I come from, you don’t have the right vibes. You’d make a terrible Belinda. I’ve been mulling it over though, and I think maybe you could be a Cassandra. Klaus and Cassie has a nice ring to it? What do you think?

I do appreciate you making your print more legible. 

I did learn cursive as a matter of fact. It was on the list of Very Important Things dearest Dad decided was essential learning for budding young world savers. However, I have gone out of my way to not do any of the Very Important Things on that list ever. So I’m afraid I refuse to read cursive on principle.

I come from a family of family issues, I’m afraid. If an opportunity arises, and you have the misfortune of meeting my vast army of siblings, I’ll give you a proper brief before going into it. And then I’ll give you another debrief afterwards for old time’s sake. 

My mother’s cooking is fantastic. I am unfortunately serious when I say the cooking was the best part of growing up in the U.A. You’d like my mom. She’s a bit eccentric, but she’s great, really. And you’d like her because I know what a gigantic nerd you are. But she’s the good kind of sci-fi for sure. And she’d like you.

Aw, Davey, you are entertaining. And you do know exactly what it takes to turn me to mush—relatedly, my favorite thing about you is your  kind.

See what I did there? It’s an anagram.

You see, I am smart and pretty myself!

Xoxo  
Klaus

P.S. Your letter writing rules are so restrictive!

P.P.S. I hope you will show me your kind later.

P.P.P.S. You are a stick in the mud. I’ll think of something else fun to do with this one. Viking funeral, maybe? 

🖂

  
  


Dear Klaus,

You are so lovely in so many ways, but I am baffled by your anagram. I’ve been thinking about it non-stop for over a week now, and I finally have to admit defeat. I assume you’re referring to some part of the human anatomy, but Klaus. You have to know that dick doesn’t have an ‘n’ in it. 

I think I’m happy to be a Cassandra, though I’m sad I’ll never be good enough to be a Belinda. Hopefully you won’t leave me for her the moment she comes along.

Looking forward to the debrief. 

You live the sci-fi life of my dreams. Except for the whole shitty childhood thing. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone and I’m sorry it happened to you. However I’m excited to be a part of your crazy sci-fi life now. 

Also, I didn’t say anything earlier, but don’t think I didn’t notice you stealing cigarettes from my bag. You owe me for those. I ran out and had to bum a cigarette off Sykes, and now I owe him. I can’t believe you’d leave me high and dry like that.

Alright, well, I have to go, Sarge is summoning me.

Talk soon,  
Dave

P.S. Please explain the anagram, it’s driving me crazy. 

P.P.S. Your origami skills are impressive. Can’t wait to see how this one will go.

🖂

Dear Davey or is it Catie now?,

This rain is so incredibly shitty. I really truly am sick of it! Finally back at base camp only for the heavens to open and make things even more miserable. (How’s that for some old fashioned letter writing skills. Talking about the weather!)

I’m glad you’re excited about your new name. I’m looking forward to taking Catie out on the town. I’ve never had a steady girlfriend before. How incredibly domestic of me—going steady!

I can’t believe I’ve been stuck with my sci-fi nerd of a brother since birth, and the first time we’re apart, I wind up with another sci-fi nerd. What on earth did I do to the universe to deserve it? 

Clearly I need to escape the sci-fi nerd realm. Your family sounds normal. Tell your mom I’m going to move in with her. She can adopt me after we’re sent back home.

I didn’t steal your cigarettes, I don’t know what you’re talking about. However, if you’re just looking for a way for me to repay you, I’m sure I can find a way to accommodate.

Xoxo  
Klaus 

P.S. No! It is an anagram! You just have to turn the n on its side to make it a c. It’s perfect!

P.P.S. I can’t believe we didn’t think of writing letters earlier.

🖂

Dear Klaus,

Don’t let anyone tell you you aren’t perfect. I’d say I want to live in your brain for a day, but I’m also a little bit terrified of it.

Also, I think my new name was supposed to be Cassie. 

Don’t even joke about moving in with my mom. She would adopt you in a heartbeat, and then make it her mission to feed you and make sure you’re getting enough sleep. She’d also probably make you quit the dope—so your call on the tradeoff there. Anyway, I think she’d really like you—she loves a lost cause.

Must be where I get it.

Dave

P.S. Again, you are absolutely insane. But that’s one of my favorite things about you. Also, I guess one of my favorite things about you is your kind, too.

🖂

Dear Davey,

I am perfect! Thank you for noticing. 

And I’m not going to lie, I don’t remember what name you were going to take. That’s the problem with burning these suckers. If I don’t write back immediately I totally forget what we were saying. 

But I never forget the offer of a meal and a good sleep, especially around here. So go ahead and call me Klaus Katz, I’m moving in.

<3 Your favorite lost cause

P.S. I’ve been thinking about your kind since your last letter.

P.P.S. I know you said I don’t actually need to repay you for the cigarettes. But what if I _wanted_ to make it up to you? I think I’ve got some ideas you’d be interested in.

🖂

Dear Klaus,

You certainly know how to pay a guy back.

Dave.

P.S. That is all. Maybe I can think of more once I’ve recovered. Per SOP, burn after reading.

🖂

Dear Dave,

I thought you might enjoy that. I am nothing if not resourceful, and I love putting my kindness to good use.

Since neither of us have lovely feminine sweethearts for Valentines, I guess we’ll just have to make do with each other’s company. What a shame.

At any rate. I’ve never had a Valentine before, so hopefully I won’t do too badly. If I draw hearts on this, does that make it a Valentine? Here, enjoy some of my best artwork.

I’ve also done a little doodle of you. I hope you like it. Just know I worked extra hard on him.

Your Valentine,  
Klaus

P.S. I know it’s tragic that you have to burn my artwork. But I like to think it’ll live on in your heart.

🖂

Dear Klaus,

Happy Valentine's Day! I’m sorry you won’t be spending it with Belinda, but just know I’m happy to be your first Valentine.

Your “heartwork” is lovely. I’m glad you told me that was supposed to be a picture of me. I think you have a very flattering idea of what my muscles look like—that or maybe my head is a lot smaller than I thought. The curls are very nice though. I could try to draw you, but I’d like you to keep talking to me. Here’s a stick man with a goatee instead. If you like him you can name him Klaus. If you don’t, well, he’s just a stick man.

Yours too,  
Dave

P.S. Oh, I forgot to say, ‘Klaus Katz’ is a terrible name. We’re going to have to come up with something else.  
  
  


🖂

Dear Klaus,

Sorry it’s been so long since my last letter. There wasn’t a lot of down time there at the end, and then there was a little too much down time with no way to contact you.

Thank you for helping me write this one, though. You’ve been making such great progress.

Writing when you’re used to being incorporeal is hard, but at least you won’t have to worry about my cursive. You’ll just have to learn to read my chicken scratch until I get the hang of things.

I wasn’t ever able to put it in any of our other letters, but I wanted to say I love you very much. 

Talk to you soon.

All my love,  
Dave

P.S. You can keep this one.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'd love to know what you thought. Feel free to share a comment if you're the kind of person who likes to do so, and if not, no worries! <3


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